Do you ever find yourself frustrated that your kids don’t ever seem to listen to what they’re told? Are you struggling with defiant behaviour or fed up of constantly engaging in a battle of wills? This simple trick might be the strategy you need to encourage better behaviour and help prevent that negative spiral of constantly feeling ignored, helping to de-escalate the overwhelm of emotion that can subsequently ensue. Sometimes it’s the very small things that can make a big impact....
Whilst you read this article I have one request; what ever you do please DON’T think about rabbits. I mean it. DO NOT think one single thought about a cute, fluffy, tiny baby rabbit. DON’T even picture it in your mind…..
Ok, I promise I haven’t gone completely mad but I expect you’re wondering why I’ve written something so utterly random! Well let me ask you this, (and answer this honestly) what picture sprang into your mind when you read that last paragraph? Let me guess, you couldn’t help it....a rabbit! So why is it that our brains will have automatically thought of the same thing despite the explicit instructions (also exaggerated in capitals) NOT to do so? The answer is because we programmed it to just by saying the word ‘rabbit’ and our unconscious brains tend to ignore the negatives when processing what has been said, skipping over the ‘don’t’ part and but quickly focus in on the rest. This is a very basic example of how our specific choice of words can directly have an impact on how and what we think about, both consciously and unconsciously. Since it is our thoughts that trigger us into action and help us to make choices, the language we hear from others can have a significant impact on the response and behaviour we choose, which is why this idea can be extremely powerful when influencing and encouraging the behaviour of others.
Embedded Commands
Think about how many times have you told your kids, partner, husband, students, colleagues etc NOT to do something only to find (annoyingly) they do the exact thing you’ve clearly stated they shouldn’t. Frustrating isn’t it? Surprisingly a lot of this behaviour can be heavily influenced by the words we use, known as ‘embedded commands’.
Just by saying the word ‘rabbit’ it immediately caused you to visualise it and therefore inadvertently created the exact opposite outcome of what was intended. By saying the thing you don’t want, you actually guide someone’s brain towards it. Author Sue Knight in her book NLP at Work explains that “your unconscious mind cannot recognise negatives” and goes on to identify that it doesn’t just work on others but ourselves too; she goes on to say that “When you tell yourself not to worry or not to make a mistake you’re actually programming yourself to do exactly that.” Wow, talk about self sabotage! I’m sure we can all think of an example where you’ve told yourself “don’t drop it” or “don’t mess this up” and then that is exactly what happens….you have essentially commanded yourself to do so.
It’s the classic ‘don’t push the button’ scenario, if someone says this to you it actually causes your brain to imagine pushing the button. In adults we have the mechanisms and life experience to regulate our own thoughts and can often rationalise our actions, overriding the embedded commands (although some may still choose to do it anyway). Children however are far more susceptible to the embedded commands without question, which is great news if you want to avoid the frustration spiral just by understanding how to positively frame them.
For children, saying to them “don’t touch that” actually programmes their brain with the command of “touch that” and then we find ourselves getting increasingly frustrated with them for not listening or acting on what you’ve said…..when in fact, they are! Their brain has just focussed more on one part of what you’ve said. Hopefully you can see now that behaviour can be affected by the words we choose and with a very small tweak we can generate hugely improved outcomes (and far fewer arguments. Hooray!).
Flip it!
So how can we use language to positively influence their behaviour in a more effective way?
Instead of stating what you DON’T want them to do, state what it is that you DO want. Yes, it really is that simple.
If I didn’t want you to think about rabbits then I should have framed my command to direct you to something else, for example “I want you to think about puppies”. This way, rabbits would never have even been considered!
I had a conversation recently with a parent who was annoyed at her daughter for falling over on a slippery surface, she told me that “the very last thing I said to her was DON’T RUN! And what did she do?” pointing over to the large scrape on her daughters knee… By saying “Don’t run” it had unconsciously suggested for her to ‘run’. If you don’t want your child to run what you actually want is for them to walk, right? So instead of “don’t run” you can direct them by saying “walk slowly please” and you’ll have a much better chance of them complying.
Always state the behaviour or outcome you want, instead of what you don’t.
This may seem obvious to many but it is surprising how much we automatically operate from a negative frame and it takes some conscious thinking to overcome it. This concept is already widely adopted in a range of professional settings including athletes, teaching pedagogy, sales pitches and media campaigns which use positively embedded commands to influence people towards the outcomes they want, and guess what? It works! And it can work for you too.
Here are some more examples:
Negative command:
“Don’t tap that pencil on the table”
Positive command:
“Please keep your hands still”
Negative command:
“Don’t walk in the road”
Positive command
“Stay on the pavement”
Negative command:
“Don’t give up”
Positive command
“Keep going”
Negative command:
“Don’t hit your sister”
Positive command
“Be gentle with one another”
Put it to the test!
Take this idea away with you throughout the next day or so, pay attention to the words you use and see if you fall into the negative command trap - most of us don’t even realise when or how much we’re doing it until you begin to look out for it. For many of us it is habitual and old habits in any context are hard to break but I promise you they can be, but this can only be achieved with full awareness and intention. I still find myself unconsciously using negatives but now that I am more aware of it I can quickly correct myself. I am now able to notice it and reframe my instructions more positively, achieving so much more success from something which is actually so simple, yet highly effective. Although, as with everything it takes some practise to truly master it and that’s ok! Test it out, keep trying, be patient with it (it will come in time) and notice the difference it makes.
I absolutely love to read your messages about how the tips and ideas have helped you so please let me know how you get on with this strategy and if it has been successful for you. You can contact me via Facebook or Instagram using @butterflyandbeeteam at any time!
Wishing you all the best with it! I know you’ve totally got this!
Hannah x
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